so i just provided the information and therefore impetus for adam dumping meg for the last time.
it was partially selfishly motivated, because i couldn't bear to know all that i knew without telling him, my conscience would never be clear. and it still might be pretty spotty because of the pain i know i indirectly caused meg.
but my sense of justice wouldnt rest until i told him.
either way, i think i did the right thing. i may yet lose cass and meg's friendship forever, which would be pretty sad, but i cant betray who i am and who i want to become
covering her betrayal and abuse of adam, especially after she lied to me for the past 10 months, would have been inexcusable.

i hope someone mentions this incident at my inaugeration as a supreme court justice.


Veritas vos liberabit. hopkins has it right, the truth shall set me free. or it better, at least

so i'm drunk with Meg and Cass
and they're both upset about boyfriend troubles
and it occurs to me...that while on the one hand i'm really glad i dont have a boyfriend to be troubled with...i miss having something to dish about and someone to care for enough to get upset by things. its been nice being single for so long and really getting to be okay with myself...but its nice to have someone who cares about you, even when you fight and whine about them.
which sounds terrible and moderately bitchy, but its true
while i'm glad i'm without one, i still have a little bit of high-school-girl envy about it.

i just ran half a mile in 4 minutes and 30 seconds
thats the fastest i've ever done anything
...i deem this summer a success

also i went to city island with my family yesterday and it wasnt that bad
true, i cried a little (honestly) because the carousel mom promised me was a baby sized one...and i lve carousel..theyre so magical and all.
so i've planned (single handedly) another vacation day to the really awesome carousel outsdie philly. theres a train thing nearby, so they can do that while mom and i shop and ride the carousel.
i cant wait!

it occurs to me that Josh is perhaps the best friend I've ever had.

I've been mad at him for a total of a week since I've known him, and that ratio beats even Maggie.
He never ignores me or takes advantage of my friendship, he's never selfish or self-absorbed.
And we dont need situations to have fun - just being around each other makes us laugh and have a good time. We can do anything and have a great time.


Maybe we should get married.
Sex isn't that great anyway, who needs it.
...i'm almost serious, wow.

update on the issues with Craig:

i'm entirely over whatever i may or may not have felt
i do think i'd like to be friends again, but its going to be a bit weird at first.

i've also realize that the biggest and best reason that i should never have felt anything for him, and never will again, is that for us to be together, i would constantly be trying to change him. i'd constantly be trying him to not spend too much money on me, for one, and to get him to stop being an incessant flirt, which is impossible. but even more irritating (to me at least), i'd be trying to change: his hair, how he dresses, what he wants to be when he grows up, how he talks to me, all sorts of things that i have no right, no matter what role i play in his life, to change or attempt to alter. i couldnt date the short haired, white shirt wearing, super pre-med. i could date the long haired, black shirt wearing, bass player. but that was him in high school, and theres nothing i would hate more than to be identified by and restricted to who i was in high school.
so in summary
i was unfair to him, and i behaved really immaturely and selfishly.

so... i'm planning to find him during orientation and apologize for how i behaved all summer, and ask if we can start over and be friends again. because i dont want to avoid him for the rest of my time at Hopkins, i don't want to be that kind of person. and while i'd still like an apology from him, i did act fairly rotten myself and need to own up to being an 8th grader about the whole thing.



and thats the update that no one asked for.

I will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn't become my secret.

so despite all the rotten reviews i've heard, i thought wanted was actually quite good. combines a good action film with a twist not unlike fight club.
that said, the last moments or the 'moral' of it struck me more than i expected

i've really been taking this summer to recover and reinvent, or at least thats what i've ended up doing instead of having a real job (i.e. b uying self help books that are more like weirdo journals)
and so far i feel like thats working out fairly well
i wouldnt say that i'm getting better at letting things go, but i AM getting better at finding ways to not let things affect me or to get over them faster. between breathing and running and distraction, i'm starting to manage the stuff that makes me angry and stressed.
aside from that hurdle, i've also been working at being happier in general - cynicism is great and i'll never give it up, but a distinct sense of pessimism can be a real drag after a while and the constant cloud it puts on even the actual happy times can make you nothing short of bi-polar. as such, i've found that i still have a good sarcastic sense of humor but am generally more cheerful and appreciate of small happy things that would previously have either not phased my melancholy (often my pointless, baseless, fruitless melancholy) or just left me bitter.
FURTHERMORE i've been trying (perhaps not as hard as the two above causes) to get back into physical shape. for me, emotional and mental shape is much more important and a necessary prerequiste - without stability and sanity i cant get my ass out of bed, much less run it around the block.

as such, i'm pretty sure that my answer to "What the fuck have YOU done lately?" as posed by Wanted's main protagonist as the last line of the film is satisfactory.


and it makes me feel real good to know that a month ago, my answer would have been shitty, depressing, and lacking in many things. so things can turn around. and people can change. and no matter how pissed i am about things i cant control, i really CAN control me. and i dont mean control like when i was in high school. i'm not controlling my diet with anorexia, i'm not controlling my body with inebriants. i am controlling my mind and my body WITH my mind and my body. i am myself, i own myself, i answer to myself.
based on my career plans, that never has to change. now that i'm finally getting to believe that mantra, now that i'm finally giving up my incessant quest for praise and approval from needless sources, now that i dont care what people like craig or his exaggerated hypothetical creations think of me and my accomplishments and only really care about the important people (my mom, Grammy, Pappy, God) appraise or priase, i can see a better brighter clearer future.
i used to have dreams, lots and lots of dreams, but they were always cloudy, or they always portrayed someone who wasnt me or was just an altered, false form of me.
but this one, this one i can see myself clearly and see only myself. theres no dependency aspect to this. theres no conditions or circumstancial debate. its me
and its me from here on out

i should have said goodbye to all these rotten feelings of inadequacy and failure and i should i let go of my need to be approved of, i should i have let go of all the things that have dragged down the beautiful things i can become. and now i have
goodbye, shitty parts of my life.
hello, shiny happy future.

gas to Harrisburg and back: $14. missing three hours of my real job: $24. printing resume on fancy paper: $3. pursuing a dream job: prrrrriceless.

when you grow up not having a whole lot, you learn that while there is certainly merit in trying to better yourself and to achieve beyond the demographic expectations, there is much more to be gained if you can not just come to terms with, but appreciate and value that which you do have. whether it be a warm quilt in the winter or spending the day in the park with your family, theres always something valuable and worthwhile in your life, no matter how poor or sad you might feel.

there are people who are always looking for an upgrade, for something better - not just bettering themselves, but a constantly search for improvement. its not quite the american dream, or maybe its just the 21st century american dream.

either way, a friendship, kindness, sunsets - some things are inherently more valuable on a deeper level and a better level - more profound, and much more lasting. you might die with a lot of money in your estate, but if you have no one to leave it to, what have you really accomplished?

i'd rather sit here knowing i dont have a boyfriend or even a hook up, knowing that i cant afford the school i'm attending, knowing that my clothes arent as fancy or fashionable as my peers', knowing that i dont have the liberties and opportunities money sometimes affords - but still be here, knowing that my mother loves me, knowing that despite holes or the lack of logos my clothes are comfortable and warm, knowing that i have enough crayons and books to entertain me even though i cant go on a fancy vacation, knowing that the only mistakes i've made have been forgivable and things i have learned from.

so this has been fairly preachy and self righteous, but i figure if everyone i know can be a self absorbed narcissist all the time, i can get away with a fairly philosophical and more sociological than plain conceited bit.